No.113

Snowman asks: “Can you smell carrots?!”

Tim Vine XX

My anaesthetist was a local girl.

Spoiler Alert: All 7(or 8) Harry Potters

Snape’s good all along. Harry wins.

No.112

"How are you finding teaching?"... "Well..."

No.111

So fed up with life. Ends.

No.110

Throwing cheese at people?! That’s mature.

Leeds vs Hudds (away)

Guarantee: Hudds will lose next week.

No. 109

Cheese for coaxing out bears: “Camembert.”

Another slightly rejigged Tim Vine joke:

Failing perfumery: More scents than money.

Spoiler Alert! Avatar

Like 'Fern Gully', but for adults.

No.108

Diarrhoea: off work. Day in lieu.

Leeds vs Chesterfield (League Cup)

Through unconvincingly. Questionable depth... and width.

No.107

Shit happens: use it as fertiliser.

No.106

Line awaits Russian puzzle; Rubik’s queue.

172nd Post Spectacular!

“Everyone leave, I have to poop.”

No.105

Working in mines: It’s the pits.

No.104

Character with an interesting backstory: Quasimodo.

No. 103

Demanded: “Wait!” Dog replied: “About 7kg.”

And/Or (Part 6)

Initially bumbling character becomes genuine hero.

(Neville Longbottom, and/or Samwise Gamgee?)

No. 102

Two Molars enjoy pre-meal drink: Aperitif.

No.101

Offer excludes Saturdays... Frankie is gutted.

Tim Vine (xviii... I think)

Alien can't stop swearing; extra tourrettestrial.

No.100

Feline quickly reads book: Cat scan.

No.99

Confused infant eats his dinner money.

No.98

Massive Paris tower: it’s an Eiffel.

And/or (part 5)

Considered eccentric; strange affinity with animals.

(Steve Irwin and/or Noah)

England vs San Marino

I'd be San Marino's best player.

No.97

Mailed dead relative dip: Post houmous.

No.96

Soldier loses leg. Tweets it immediately.

The One and Only Tim Vine (xvii)

Toilet with average features: Bog standard.

No.95

Fight at local chippy; fish battered.

No.94

Excessive hyphen-use is cheating, say short-story-writers. 

Leeds vs City (a)

£200m squad vs £1.5m. It showed.

No.93

Tourists can’t get over Hadrian’s Wall!

Leeds vs Cardiff (h)

Less extreme version of Southampton game.

The Comedy Stylings of Richard Wright (abridged) #2

Xenaphobic? Nah, I like Lucy Lawless!

(Check out Richard's Comdey page )

The One and Only Tim Vine (xvi)

Conjuring. That should do the trick

Leeds vs Bristol C (h)

No better than league's bottom club.

No.92

Said: “Kit-Kat, chunky,” to chubby cashier.

No.91

Widely accepted myth about penises; phallus-y

Leeds vs Birmingham(h)

Better than last time... still crap.

No.90

I possess a tiny lizard: minute.

And/or (part 4)

Exiled king returns. Kingdom’s prosperity restored.

(Simba and/or Aragorn)